Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
