i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They have beer where we have blood.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
