They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
