I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
