My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
