i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
