Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
