Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
