i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.