It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure