drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
high people should be assigned attendants
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
