I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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