When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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