I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this just has baby written all over it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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