She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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