My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
