Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
