I love black thongs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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