I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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