theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
