I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
