is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
