he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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