she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
