i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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