I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
