I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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