you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
