I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
