It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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