the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
