Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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