I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
