If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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