Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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