I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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