I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
