just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
