I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
