all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
