We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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