This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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