Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
pray to the hookup gods
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
