You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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