woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
