Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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