I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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