Need sex. Gaining weight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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