Don't make out with my wife yet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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