Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
