Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
as a side note pls kill me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
