So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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