I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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