I seem to have left my pride at pride
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
