I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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