I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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