1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
